03-04 , happy good friday! i like rabbit memorobillia so im looking forward to looking at thrift stores in a week time. recently ive been thinking alot about revolutionary girl utena. its always been one of my favourite things ever, but i am literally going insane thinking abt its symbolism. i just realized that anthys rose bride earrings are visible only in the reflection scene. im battling a kind of semi-flu, and making an amv to valentines by fiona apple. i really want to do a petals one before somebody beats me to it. somebody already beat me to 'anthem of a seventeen year old girl' but im okay w that because said person makes my favourite amvs bar-none. i wish i was better at drawingggg.

04.04 Now you're all gone, got your make-up on and you're not coming back Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash under your breath Park that car, drop that phone (dream about me) Park that car, drop that phone Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that Now you're all gone, got your make-up on and you're not coming back

05.04 I GOT A TRULY INSANE AMOUNT OF MEMO PADS. i love animal themes.. sooooooooooo cute. im eating frozen strawberries and blueberries right now

AHHHH ITS LATE.... LIKE 23.21... i mean its the 6th i feel kinda bad i think ill watch the nso anime. im mentally ill but ame is different to me in alot of ways so its not twin its like distant cousin... i wish i was more attention hungry or felt more worth in forming relationships. but im like kind of ridiculously scared of being abusive lmfao. other than that i watched rgu - normal tidied my room - wow - also made a hot and banging new amv. i feel kind of smart for it. get it? i sent it via pantomine for the stabbing scene bcs anthy was ''saving her'' . its all i can do cuz im not free.. anyways homestuck updated. can they please let jake win. its 7.04 but wouldnt a mikage/ black rose amv to meant to be yours by heathers be objectively really funny

started Haibane Renmei

9/04 I GOT LOCKED OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR LIKE FIVE HOURS

4.13 - eek... i got a month until my first exam. yesterday i had a good long sob and made a few poor decisions but IT IS HOMESTUCK DAY. also i watched the utena musical and saw a really nice sky outside so alls well that ends well right! not really. i know im stupid so i will probably retake my a levels.

4.14 my metamorphosis jsk will arrive tomorrow, i think! my classmate talked abt coachella and zuko being bisexual in the new avatar but i truly, earnestly, absolutely could not care less about such things. i hope i make it in college... flower knows has really cute makeup but i dont know jack abt makeup so whatabt them apples. sigh. sighhhhhhhhh. sigh. it just seems so expensive. in other news im watching the black rose musical also i lost my anthy keychain and started crying until i found her. truth be told as of late i feel completely out of it, very much so.

4.15 I am doll eyes, doll mouth, doll legs I am doll arms, big veins, dog beg

someone i dislike is suffering. thank you, god. im an atheist and i dislike organised religion though i think if god gives u comfort and strength go for it however i think organised religion has cause too much suffering and is easily corrupted as well as how much misogyny in my life has been due to 'islamic' teachings however the if somebody who has done me wrong has it better than me fe is richer its okay bcs theyre going to hell. if religion brings peace to an individual that is fine and i dont blindly hate all those with faith, i just dont understand, and its not a lack of trying. 4.16.

Well, maybe this could be the ending With nothing left of you A hundred wishes couldn't say I don't want to

And as we sit here alone Looking for a reason to go on It's so clear that all we have now Are our thoughts of yesterday

19.04 my metamorphose jsk came. i feel so cute. i know 17 is the most denpa age u can be, and trust me, I FEEL DENPA. can i still be denpa at 25? of course i can, i trust myself to. but yeah my jsk looks really cute... i really dont think ive wasted my youth, but i know i want to have a nice adult life. i know people are lying when they say it peaks during your teen years, even if they are, ill make sure theyre lying.

26.06 I NEED TO TAKE SCHOOL MORE SERIOUSLY I HATE BEING UNMEDICATED i have a pet kitten now and i love him a lot... updoot tomorrow

27.06 I have hay fever and a very very runny nose... i got up to date with she is beautiful. anyways chuchu is my 8 week old kitten and hes adorable and this morning he was meowing sooooooo much i didnt even want to go to school but having chuchu meow so earnestly at me and paw at me for attention it just made me want to try a little bit more harder. hes so cute... i named him after anthys pet in rgu but ALSO chiyu from bandori.

28.04 THAT FEVER KICKED MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chuchu meows sooooooo gently and cutely its adorable. recently ive been getting really into forgiveness... i forgive everyone. i watched some of strawberry panic. nagisas so cute. anyways, our school doesnt do a traditional prom, but more of a food party. i probably wont be coming. in year 11 we had an actual prom, but im not really fond of any of the people there. a majority of it isnt even their fault. ive always felt a little bit too odd.. not even an ego thing. also the thought of seeing straight people snogging eachother terrifies me. ill just focus on getting an okay grade, and if i cant do that, apprenticiship and resit, and if i cant do that, kill myself. ive made a normie account even though i hate taking pictures of myself.

ive been so scared abt the future. but i think of madoka kaname and it legitimately makes me feel better

my madoka figure came today! small wins before exams. her bow was broken but the seller already said that it was hot glued. i think she looks fine though! Not a big figure gal. wouldnt be able to tell you for real....

alot of my favourite series r manga w no adaptation...... so acrylics are probably my best bet. DAMN YOU ANIME INDUSTRY!!!!!!! the utena nendroid is super cute but im holding on to some insane hope that there will be an anthy figure. anthys been my favourite yuri character like 5 years in a row that girl just gets it.

i actually made a mfc its called girlishdelights bcs i wanna get collecting more soon. my main drives in life rn are get more cute stylish friendly kind though im trying not to be so consumerist.

also i really like together forever in love from go sailor

3.5 im feeling quite better though chuchu has fleas and i hate fleas. my mood swings are better. thank you zato

you know ive been thinking abt the crow strider au alot... you know as much as ppl drum on it that shit was the creators lovechild like they loved homestuck bro. even eridan

shoutout to the moment in the 2019 utena musical where nanami drags out the stage guy and beats the shit out of him. u can tell that her actress LOVED HER. also im no longer angry bcs its normal for sad and scared people to act like that so i should try and be as kind as i possibly can

i kind of want to buy canmake and flower knows makeup but itll be kind of a waste . 4.5 i should be less negative ummmm ummm today chuchu meowed real cute. studied. the song i really like today is quiet by bjork.

5/5 cute. eating pizza .. madoka next to me... filling up the days w nonesense ( like the lois family guy skit)

i think despite how i am. i want somebody to remember me, even in passing. im sorry for being like this. i like it when my classmates show me a cute thing, im sorry for being like this.

i was thinking abt college. yk i could just go ham you know. joking but ive never had non halal meat i wonder if theres any difference at all. prolly not. do u thimnk theyy lobotomised rex in bianca 2

i think my cat is getting mad whenever i try narrating him w my shitty italy hetalia/ halfway decent mort king julien impression two very important distinctions. so cruel just ROLLINH YOUR BELLY LITTLE BOY. classmate showed the jirai outfit she brought off vinted did not have the heart to tell her i think it was a replica. its so quiet is kind of revolutionary girl utena when you think of it

i mostly just leave it for the log thing but that doesnt really work for manga bcs i rawdog it. cute image. ill add a cute image each entry. ive been feeling a bit free nowadays... even if i think this is all a bit stupid.

it was leavers day for the year 11s today! i cant believe that was me two years ago. i think i was sick last leavers day, but wow. i didnt have a shirt to sign but i drew chuchu on mine.. then lost it lmfao. thats an accurate show of how my school life has been for the last 7 years to be honest. my yearbook quote for year 11 was utena as well.

also in more important news i abandoned my wife (riamu yumemi) and kids (madoka idfk) to play umineko. 160 hours playtime and my ass cant read. i have like a few spoilers but i think its fine bcs this is like the utena of visual novels other than the actual utena visual novel. why did mikage potential man pop up like that. nanami saying lesbian. its all just so funny.

anyways 6.5 song of the day is macaroni and beer by mom

7.5 todays song is lucy bedroques how to pretend

8.5 i am washed over by a very strong sense of ennui and fear for the future due to my stupidity and inability to take anything seriously.. wehhh! todays song is guroihana from shinsei kamattechan.

criminal like cuteness springs in my mind

i started my period... it really hurts. im grieving steak 10.5

i deleted some old pictures a little too late, but id go insane forever if i dont. im probably the only person still caught up on this all KILL ME.

one of my irls and i have been talking abt our shared interests. this tuesday ! we will talk about their favourite visual novel, as well as my interest in umineko, im sorry for being mean about project sekai in the past. shes pleasant, ill try and draw het ship... for the first time in my life... shudder.

todays song is girl like me by pinkpantheress. im trying to put up a 'hole'like outfit or something. my cat peed on me

11.05 - just 2 months until I turn 18, as well! today is, for better or worse, my last day of high school. (or secondary.) i guess im a little unfazed, because it's like the year 11 leavers day again really. i wanted to go to a different school then, but stuff got in the way. to be honest, i feel bad, but not really guilty. i feel like my lack of shame is my main problem, but i feel like im getting better as of late. deleted a lot of pictures that reminded me of my worst moments. i want a beautiful and wonderful life. if i can feel more happiness, and ive felt happiness quite a bit this year, id like to see if i can keep on going to 21 still. i have my first english exam on wednesday, so posting on the site will probably halt for a bit. but it's okay, i think. everyone has their own weak points and i think mine is this, i don't really feel like i wasted my youth socially. if anything, id like to studied a bit more, but ill try really hard from now on. it's not like i have anything else going on from now on. i know there's nothing really that good about me but i don't think there's really anything particularly horrible anymore. i used to think i was completely empty, just some moving corpse. but i don't really feel like that anymore. im just an empty doll. but it's kind of charminggg right. i can be anything right? not really. if my mind could be quiet, id be really happy.. maybe if i learn to want to be praised more, id do better? uminekos really good. my purpose on life isn't finishing umineko, i promise. i do feel like im a spectator in my own life just watching all the other people go on through their days. i didn't like this school one bit. i got bullied pretty horribly. it all just felt like purgatory. im a bit sad that all the clubs i signed up for i never got to go but uni clubs seem more fun. debate clubs would be nice, i kind of abstained because one my parents don't like clubs two the school i go to doesn't particularly make me want to debate with others i used to feel sick seeing other people around talking normally. i wasnt even angry. i felt repulsed, even though there's nothing that makes me inherently better. i just wanted to stay inside forever . but i can't die right now because my world is not cute. i can feel sorry for being alone, but i can change too... i just want to break out of the shell ive been in for so long too. what should i even do for my 18th? being realistic i probably failed my exams, so other than scumming for retake money. my aunt said that she'd take me to a beach. i like her she likes mcr... shes nice ive lived so far for a child who did nothing but cry a preteen who did nothing but cry.. but now its time to actually try and take control of my life too. im sorry for spending half of it trying to end it. i only have myself, and i love myself if nobody does. a disgusting self, a self that only wants to get away from itself, a childish self, a self that is fickle and only likes cute things... ill build it! brick by brick. even if i stay home id like it more

my irl gave me some pocky for the prom thing. strawberry too.. pank. velvet cake is nice. was thinking of azumanga and the ending of pieta the whole time.

i had to go a little bit earlier bcs doctors but im not missing it, velvet cake was good but goddamn i hate those hooligans. just jokes. theyre enjoying life toooo.i just cant enjoy enviroments like that. there was a sailor moon cosplayer though! . teacher had recognised the strawberry switchblade influence! some people brought in their shirts, in all honesty, its hard to really care about it the second time around, though maybe its because the first time i was thanking the heavens i dont have to wear such gaudy attire daily anymore.

i have a lot of regrets but i do have some stuff im proud of too. even if im my own woundlicker, ... bero bero bero!!!todays song is reunion by korea girl

exam tomorrow,,, english. 12.05 got my 30 minutes of umi in for the day. todays song is hole - celebrity skin. barely anybody was in, it was kind of like a ghost town. creepy! my theology teacher gave me some heart candy and a cupcake. idk why my irls had a fight... i mean im playing coy i know they did but the reason for the fight is so stupid that i wonder if it was a long time coming. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like people replicate things they see in the shows they watch for dramatic effect, or just to feel more. this is true for a majority of relationship talk too, seemingly, at least to me. i think alot of normies are scared of themselves too... moe.....

sometimes i wonder if i need to do authors note for future me so he can tell how serious i was with most of this. hahaha boy fuck you

looking forward to new nso ep. i drew a little utena comic ill scan it later. thinking abt the leaked funimation dragon ball yaoi sex video

april 13th first english exam but i think i did okay... female friendship... i was himejoshing the fuck out. im a bit sad bcs i feel like i couldve talked a bit more about Moira but whatever did not do well on the last answer but whatever. Streetcar of Desire and Gatsby now... thats good. i have 6 days until my tudors paper. weh i dont want to be dependent on anybody even if its another woman since i think i have some sort of anthy himemiya disorder where everybody inevitably projects onto me and i become the target of their rage ( not taking any accountability at all ) but i really wish a good amount of money fell off from the sky

its a beautiful world by devi mccallion is what the song of april 14th is. i woke up fairly late and feel better for it

Is it all in my head? Can we be somewhere else? Is it all up to me If everyone dies or not?

Every wrong is corrected Everything is so perfect Its a beautiful world that I live in my myself

16th april! ive properly graduated now. i have to sit 6 exams... weh. i brought some homemade tiramisu for my english and ethics class but it got fucked up by the last lesson... all my irls are going to spoons its like the hottest spot to ever go. my english teachers goodbye was pretty heartfelt. that 70yo english teacher was always giving rei asuka... i forgive you for your sins like sitting me next to an all boys table

1gb is alot more than i think i realize... i think i should think of catbox more itll help. theres a really nice maria statue that i always liked walking by.

highschool ova.... well high school is 14-18 secondary is 11-18 which is a very cruel and unusual punishment

ill do my best... kay. i had a nice dream today... went to a scrap store and saw a bunch of stickers... OH MY PRINTER. ILL MISS MY SCHOOL PRINTER. i scanned some booklets that were meant for somebody else but like whatever fake and gay NO SELF CENSORING but it looks nice i shouldve scanned some drawings.. or stickers. maybe my binder! i forgot where my hot glue gun is.

todays song is Patchwork Staccato! ill make a seperate page for song reccs, maybe?

i had a funny dream today. mostly just focusing on these two girls acting tsun tsun towards eachother in a luxurious mall... i was a plant near a yuri couple, yay. there was a bunch of lovely figures, as well. somebody fought with me over nso merch, for some reason. anyways, i think that i should think over writing these pages a bit more hehe. todays song is fiona apples get gone

todays 18.05 and the song isssss fast as you can. many must make an ass of utena tenjou on amvs. anyways, im debating whether to buy this frankly rather cute looking tapestry of a yuri manga i really enjoy, my girlfriend is devillishly sweet! its 20 pounds, though. a2 as well... my room is decorated in posters, is the main thing. i cant stand the colors of the wall, is the main reason. im just going to hope nobody buys it until late may, then ill think about it again... but if i dont, its also fine. im still looking for jobs, after all! when ur a 18yo graduate you have all the time in the world, rightttt? i didnt do that much during my year 11 summer break , the more i think about it. i mean, the only proof i have is my ipad, since at the time i just used my fathers phone. i think i just read homestuck... that was it really. and drew. i want to draw more. uminekos really good, i also remembered to replay ciconia. its a shame that ryushikis idea of making us not just a player in the new game was to emphasize the - you, the replacable one- part of the title and promptly leave it for 6 years, even pointing out the possibility to make a new game instead. meows cute, meow.

19 gonna do a history exam there are too many successful and smart yuri mcs we need more stupid girlfails on both sides. we must stop problematic aura gaps

20 i did not do well in that history exam lmao... the tapestry got sold almost immediately but i remembered on ebay somebodies selling yuri hime for literally four dollars a pop... 11 days to myself. eek. everybodies talking abt how bad the tadc ending is

idk why but i feel like theres more of a pressure when u turn 16 in the uk rather than 18 i felt alot more immenent dread at turning 16 than 18. i guess the only thing is that i wont be a child but i know ill still be an adolsecent and ive felt 11 and mid thirties for most of my life. i feel like ive changed alot though. hopium but like literally. anyways i watched girl interuppted ill put my thoughts in the log. 21/05 only big things rn r that my parents are out so my grandmother and uncle are at our house.

yo they just killed smlwiki

i suppose you cant stay a child forever, and i never really did in my heart... but everythings really so awful. it feels like for a better half of a decade all ive wanted to do to myself is tear myself apart, but i dont want to be that girl anymore, anything but that really. Even when i get better, I wonder what the point of it really is, but i cant be stagnant forever. I can think of myself as forever 11, and Ive never been doted on because of my age, but theres times where i should really try to get out there. I can hide myself forever in an attempt to perserve myself, but will that ever really work on somebody as fragile as me? its whatever really. pros of today, had a macaron for the first time in 4ish years. it would be nice to be the little match girl and have a lovely dream as i fade into heaven but i feel like a mermaid but deeply twisted and fucked up, like instead of dissapating to foam ill just implode from the inside with hyper-realistic bloodshot eyes or something equally as shitty. aughhhh.. aughhh. its painful! oh also good thing today is that i got some carers allowance plus some things thatll help me get a little extra buck for my doe once im in college. im a little girl whose about to die in the cold, please spare me, and dont point out the immenant heat wave. also i reread bloom into you and watched girl interrupted and bloom into you left a way bigger impact sorry

22 05 vesti la gubba is great im so burnt out ill upload umi later but i got spoiled for something weh

23 05 today has been a bit poor in quality due to the constant arguments in my household. im looking forward to eid, though.

24 05! my neighbour and her daughter came over for a while to talk with my mother but mostly smother chuchu... also i tidied my room. i hate all online discourse and love everybody. do u remember poochy n pansy that shit was hillarious. Sometimes you see scary things on tv but remember: whats on tv is whats real, and when you go outside and look at the rest of the world, thats make-believe! shoutout daisy brown im basically her.

26.05 mostly just drew also an acc i barely even used on tweet got banned rip lmfao

27 its eidddd and im hungryyyy and my parents arent homeeee and im revisingt and its slightly less humid andddddd i ate turkey and its boring bleh. song is why do i cry

28 had some nice ribs been drawing alot of utenthy. the movie came to america, hope it comes around here! somebody made a video essay abt dove strider and the talk abt its themes made me realize that everything is kind of like utena

29. todays song is never learn to cry i remembered petscop alot and read the creators other work, tapers. it was great, ill put my favourite parts in the log. i also drew hehe

30 may, i got my brows done today! the heatwave is finally subsiding.,. we got a sick new ant infestation, though. chuchu, when we got him, had fleas, so its not like im not used to the idea of creepy crawlies, but at least w fleas theyre less visable to the naked eye... eek. anyways i did not tear up getting them done today, yay me. todays song is soramimi cake!

31.05 i think you shouldnt base ur life on being a stupid kid forever cuz when ur an adult u will just have memories of u sucking. ive been too laize fared abt being mentally ill lmfao. jane the killer was a lesbo. i like the game i die a lovely life

1.5 i havent really been truthful with myself for a while now about if i have dreams of the future. i feel so silly saying that i didnt before. i dont think the working life is really for me, my father is the breadwinner of the family but its been the same storage sorting job for 20 years, so its not for a lack of not knowing,., according to my book i wanted to be - not dead - but this was back when being deadpan and creepy sad in the 5th grade was my whole forte. later i put animator but said that being realistic it wouldnt be fun, such a downer 10 year old! but i think i know now... i want to be happy, not some fantasy idea of happiness, just happy n content. because everyday is so hard. it hurts so much. its like im eating myself whole, its like im performing surgery on myself. but im made out of a bunch of moving parts and mechanisms because im a robot dog witch and not a regular ass human obviously of course. but im feeling that the days go by slower since march which makes me happy. i want to be here and stabilized. i think alot of the time people think maturity n adulthood is measured in things like sex and drinking, but i think thats silly.. i know im some sort of masochist for alot of reasons but i also think true maturity is stepping down alot of the time. or something likr thattttt if i could stop thinking id take that chance and i could be such a nice and pliant dollie... Just Kidding i am pinnocchio n normal mostly also i think my brain is wired differently now due to several things stuff that was meant to make me stop thinking that was harmful dont even have both effect.s... so what now...! WISING UP!!!!!!!!!!! im eating a protein wrap happy pride month i ama lesbian

02.5 that history exam went too well im nervous now. in other news my younger brother has been watching young sheldon and mandy george is kind of insane to me, i did not know young sheldon was problematic medias as theyd say. no but literally why is this a plotline lmfao sorry for anybody in the young sheldon fandom... dont call me a puriteen. why is this show such fodder for youtube shorts Nothing Happens. one of my ex friends from when i was 14 said i seemed like id really like it and idk if it was a microaggression bcs i speculated i have ASD. forget. forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAYS.. i have philosophy in two days also im pissed bcs our entire class was held up bcs one girl tried avoiding the test as a whole!!!!! by 16 minutes!!!!!!

03.5 got a waitrose dessert for over half off... im proper posh! at home studyin. bohemian rapsody kind of revolutionary girl utena. rip to the nezumiva dr3 video when iw as really sick and stuck in pakistan for four months at 14 i mass downloaded her videos

What fun! I went to the craft store once more after my run in yesterday. The philosophy exam was scary, so I'll revise on my other studies really dilligently, honest. Im so tired ~ Ive been thinking abt what it means to be me. 06

07 found a rlly cute meta jsk... eat carrot. i love seiko oomori, thinking abt my immortal. My name is Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven-Way. i want to get into scemo

Feel like meg but wanna be spongwbob. if the nintendo direct doesnt have deltarune ill cry. i feel a bit hopeful. i need faith in myself to keep me alive. i feel a bit sad thinking about those slendermans mansion fics some children just want to be in a community w people caring for them. metatruth is wonderful, people can really believe my immortal isnt satire. i hate discussions abt feminism online despite really liking it... i should go wireless.

deltarune in two weeks alwayd live plsying a bunch of itchio vns n grinding for my new testament

I REALLY WANNA PLAY 100 LINE... !!!!!!!!! i had a shawarma. im kinda sleeeepy.

13.06 my father says that for summer break, we are going to germany! im going to be honest, i dont really like travelling. its a bit of a ridiculous situation, because whenever we go out, the same arguments and mistakes are always made. due to disability we cant really travel to a few places as well, and my mother isnt really that mentally well, so i kind of dread it. the country ive visited the most is pakistan (because im pakistani) but other than that ive only ever been to places in europe very quickly - france and switzerland. switzerland is sooo expesnive, france is too, though in france i was still a child, so i didnt really internalize prices... it just feels kind of bizarre... The rose garden in switzerland was truly lovely! Anyways, im not really looking forward to it.

im honestly horrible at new testament but im so happy im so excited to be done,,, let me rest,,, ive been trying to pull myself from ebay bidding... hehehe i got a really cute my melo pillow from it and ive been wanting to buy a dollie for myself... i have alot of clothes that neefd to be sold since they dont fit anymore or manga since im a chud... !!!!!

12.06 i had a really bad dream that my pet kitten fucking exploded